then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
