i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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