this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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