So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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