What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
