my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
