Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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