I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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