apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
