even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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