My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
