ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Randomize
