It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I enjoy the company of your penis
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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