Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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