Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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