I need to stop coming to work sober
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
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Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
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You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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