Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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