here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
