FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
