I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
