Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
