watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
