Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
