Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
