my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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