Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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