I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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