i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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