I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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