he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
