And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
