Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
