My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
