The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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