Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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