JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Less talking, more tequila
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
