I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
