If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
