i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
