Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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