Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
