i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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