I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
