I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
