1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
