grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
