I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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