Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I skipped work to stalk him.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
