I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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