i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
