I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
