Plan B is the new Plan A
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
