she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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