I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
