Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
