neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
