Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
