Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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