mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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