Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
