Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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